I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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