i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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