I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
