I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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