Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
