At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
