my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize