I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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