why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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