Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
