Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have already put on my inside pants.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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