what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
