i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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