I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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