you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
