Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my being single is dangerous.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
