i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize