My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
