My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
