do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
