just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
