He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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