guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
