i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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