I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
