As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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