Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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