Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
