my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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