Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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