Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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