I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
