My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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