Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
