my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
