Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You pole danced in your parka.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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