my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she pinky promised me she was 18
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
