I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
