I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
