She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
