Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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