Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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