if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
