Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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