yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
