I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
