I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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