I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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