This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
