you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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