I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
