My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
