things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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