If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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