Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
