New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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