We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
