what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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