I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
