Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
