planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
