would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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