dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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