I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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